Belonging Read online

  “Almost four o’clock.”

  “Wow, I thought it was later than that. You know, it’s really strange not having a phone or a watch on me anymore,” I said to no one in particular and added, “I never know the exact time.”

  “That would drive me crazy, it would,” Summer said.

  “I just kind of feel the time. You know, like when my belly starts to rumble, it’s lunch, or in the middle of the afternoon I always get sleepy.” As Suzanna was going on about her internal clock stimuli the sound of an engine and headlights on the road told us we weren’t alone.

  We all moved over single file to the side. Suzanna and Miranda kept on going, but Summer turned around and walked backward to check out the vehicle coming up behind us.

  “Does anyone know a big, dark-colored dually truck?” Summer asked the rest of us.

  “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding,” I growled in my throat.

  Turning around, I saw what I’d feared coming straight for us. Even with the headlights blinding me I could make out the bushy head in the driver’s seat.

  “Okay girls. Just keep on walking.” I grabbed Summer’s shoulders and forced her to turn around. My statement had finally woken Suzanna from her moody sleepwalking slumber. Curiosity had a hold of her, and she stopped to look back, completely ignoring me.

  “Who is it?” Suzanna peered back as the truck quickly approached. When it was almost alongside us, she shouted, “It’s your brother!”

  Her excitement instantly bugged me. I’d already had to deal with a lifetime of my friends having crushes on my obnoxious brother.

  I wasn’t at all surprised when he rolled to a stop and lowered his window. The sound of a reggae song flowed out the window. It was heaven in my ears.

  Sam’s face was partially shadowed, but there was no mistaking the voice.

  “Hello, ladies. Are you enjoying an evening stroll?” Sam put on his most honeyed voice for the female crowd, but I could pick up the buried sarcasm. It was the wee hours of the morning and no time to be out walking. And, without the cap and my hair in tangles around me, I knew he recognized me.

  “Get lost, Sam,” I snorted, hands tightly crossed on my chest.

  “Rose, that isn’t nice,” Suzanna scolded me.

  Sam took the lead and ran with it. “Oh, my little sister is never nice to me. No matter how I try to take care of her or watch out for her best interests, she never listens to me,” Sam said, feigning sadness.

  Then Summer gave her two cents, instantly becoming my best buddy for life. “Of course she doesn’t want her brother bossing her round, nosing into stuff that doesn’t concern him.” She placed her hands on her hips and was standing shoulder to shoulder with me. She’d proven to be perceptive, seeing through my brother’s stage act so clearly.

  “You’re not Amish,” Sam said, probably not even realizing how stupid the comment sounded.

  “You aren’t, either, but you don’t see me saying anything about it,” Summer shot back.

  “I guess Rose has given you an earful, and that’s why you’re so hostile toward me, huh?”

  Summer was quick with her reply, not giving me a chance to defend myself. “No, your sister hasn’t even mentioned you to me once. Matter of fact, we just met a few hours ago and we’ve had better things to talk about.”

  She was doing really well dealing with Sam. I couldn’t have done much better, and I was a pro.

  Here’s where Sam used his favorite diversion tactic by switching the topic when he didn’t have a suitable comeback line. “You girls need a ride?”

  At the same time me and Summer said no, loudly, Suzanna said yes, more loudly.

  I turned to Suzanna, noticing when I did that Miranda was staring at the pavement, not involved in the discussion in the least. She’d been quiet since our chat about sex. Why would my question about her virginity have affected her so much?

  “We got to be close to your place, Suzanna, so let’s walk,” I said as I passed her with Summer close behind me.

  “Oh, come on, it’s still a little ways and I’m tuckered out,” she said a little more loudly to my back. “You’re being foolish, Rose. Just because you’re mad at him doesn’t mean it’s fair to make us all suffer.”

  By the end, her voice held a pleading sound and I slowed, saying, “All right.”

  “You’re too easy,” Summer mumbled next to me. I wondered why she hated my brother so much already. I had the excuse of being harassed by the ignoramus for almost seventeen years—what was hers?

  Summer, Suzanna and Miranda squeezed into the backseat, and I took my usual shotgun position. The faint smell of perfume lingered in the cab of the truck.

  “Were you out with the girlfriend tonight?” I couldn’t help the rudeness in my voice. It just came naturally when I talked to Sam.

  “Her name is Amber. And yes, we went to dinner and a movie,” Sam said pleasantly.

  I was sure the last thing he wanted to be talking about in front of a truck full of girls was his girlfriend, so I plunged relentlessly on, “Must have been a late movie.”

  Sam coughed a little, and I could tell he was restraining himself with guests in attendance.

  Ha, I might have gotten the last word in for a change.

  “So how are you enjoying the whole dress-and-cap thing?” He smirked over at me. “You look awfully stylish tonight.”

  My mouth opened, but Suzanna beat me to the air space. “Turn right up here. And just go a little ways ’cause we’ll walk the last bit.” Suzanna was still using the “in awe” voice. When I heard girls do that around my brother, I wanted to vomit.

  Sam did as he was told, stopping at an acceptable spot in the road and putting the truck into park. Then he stretched his arm along the top of the seat and turned around. “I’ve seen you at school, haven’t I?” Sam said as he stared at Summer.

  The question twirled me around in my seat. Summer’s pretty face was absent of any emotion, except the corner of her mouth, which was scrunched up as if she’d bitten into a tart apple.

  “I wouldn’t have expected a superstud jock like you to notice a country bumpkin like me.” Summer’s voice had a reined-in seething tone to it, making me quickly look at Sam, who had his brow furrowed. His part-time brain was obviously working hard to remember something.

  Summer began tapping my seat. She wanted to escape and couldn’t unless I got out and pushed my seat forward. At warp speed I had her freed and found myself standing on the road with Suzanna.

  Summer and Miranda turned, cutting into the vast yard leading to Suzanna’s farm and the cozy little girl pad.

  Suzanna stepped forward to the window and said, “Gee, thanks for the ride.” Then she turned and ran to catch the other girls.

  Sam hollered out the window, “No problem.”

  I should have just turned and fled with the others, but I felt a weird twinge of homesickness. Sparring with Sam had been a taste of home, and I suddenly wanted more of it. Not really the bantering, but the homey part.

  “How’s it going—are they treating you okay?” Sam said placidly enough.

  I rested my arms in the window and told him, “Yeah, they’ve all been great.”

  “What the hell are you doing out here in the middle of the night, anyway?”

  It was a logical question, but my defense mechanisms went on high alert. “You aren’t going to say anything to Dad about it, are you?”

  “No. I wouldn’t do that. But, haven’t you learned your lesson about being out on the roadway at night?” he said seriously. I ignored him.

  “These girls work so hard all the time. Every once in a while they get the chance to be kids. That’s all we were doing tonight—being kids.”

  I was shifting my weight to leave when he said, “I’m sure that redhead isn’t breaking any nails slaving away in the laundry room. What was her problem, anyway?”

  Leave it to Sam to turn everything personal. “Maybe she’s just having a bad night—or maybe you’ve finally met a g
irl who’s immune to your charms.”

  With that I pivoted and ran away from the truck at track-star speed. I didn’t want to get too deep into a conversation with Sam. He was Dad’s spy, and the less that Dad knew about what was going on, the better. If he was aware that I was running around the countryside in the middle of the night, he’d be there at sunrise to pick me up.

  Sam had better keep his big mouth shut.

  My thoughts were confused as I flew across the dark yard. Part of my brain was thinking about Noah and his warm mouth, and the other part was thinking about Dad, Sam and Justin—and how I missed them—even Sam. I hadn’t really thought about how important they all were to me until they were absent from my life. Taking a deep breath to hold the emotions in, I figured it would probably get better with time. At least I hoped it would.

  Turning the corner of the little guesthouse, I skidded to a stop, nearly fainting.

  Suzanna was standing on the little porch landing in the moonlight with her hands on her hips. Summer had her arm around Miranda, whose head rested on Summer’s shoulder.

  And there—just a few feet away—was Levi Zook.

  Levi’s eyes snapped to me. He was still as creepy as before. His bright orange hair flared out from under a black knit cap that was too warm for the September weather. His black eyes, too small for his face, stared at me from head to toe. Levi’s mouth twitched in pleasure, as if he was seeing me naked. A cold sweat rose to the surface of my skin.

  I couldn’t help folding my arms around me tightly. The vibe emitting from the guy was downright scary. There was something seriously wrong with him, and my brain was trying to assess the danger we were in at the same time that I was attempting to puzzle out what he was doing there. I quickly judged him to be alone, which loosened my heart a bit.

  “Well, look who’s been out gallivanting in the middle of the night.” He took a step closer, but I held my ground. If he got too close I was going to kick him so hard in what little balls he had he’d be castrated for sure.

  “So, was it you that got these girls out running when they should have been sleeping like good girls in their beds?” he sneered.

  “It wasn’t Rose’s idea,” Suzanna snapped in a loud whisper. She was in a tricky situation. She couldn’t wake her parents to get rid of Levi; she’d have to do it on her own—and quietly.

  Levi’s voice came out slippery and quickly. “Oh, I can only guess what Bishop Lambright’s going to do to you, Rose, when he finds out.”

  Surprising me, it was Miranda’s voice that rang out. “You aren’t going to say a thing to the bishop about this, Levi.”

  Miranda’s head was up now, and I searched for any resemblance to the devil spawn standing menacingly near me. Besides both being skinny, I just couldn’t see any.

  Levi took several seconds to process what his sister had said before he turned and covered the few steps back to the porch. Both Suzanna and Summer moved in front of Miranda, blocking her from Levi’s wrath. My mind was swimming with possibilities.

  “What did you just say, sissy?”

  Miranda replied in a strong voice, “You heard me.”

  Levi leaned into the porch with his hands on the little railing as if he was ready to vault over it. “How are ya going to keep me from talking?”

  I heard Miranda’s intake of breath. This was difficult for her and not because she’d been caught doing something wrong, either. Her relationship with Levi was nothing like the combative dynamic with my brother. Levi really was menacing, whereas when it came right down to it, Sam was a pushover.

  Miranda squeezed through Suzanna and Summer and bent down to Levi’s face. She was way too close to him, and I instinctively took a step forward, my heart pounding in my ears.

  “You say so much as a word about this to anyone, even Nathaniel, and I’ll start talking about your own secrets.” She had been whispering, but now her voice lowered and I strained to hear. “And it won’t hurt me at all. I already got sent away once and you know what? I liked it better than being here around you—and your paws.”

  Levi backed away from Miranda as if she had struck him physically, his mouth open, his face wide. He stood there for a minute just staring at his sister, unsure what to do or say; then he did find his voice.

  “We’ll talk about this later.” He turned and jogged down into the woods, near the place where we’d entered what felt like an eternity ago now.

  I rushed to the porch and without much thought grabbed Miranda and pulled her against me. Her head went down into my hair, and she began to weep. It wasn’t a little cry, either, but a full-blown sob.

  Summer got the door, and Suzanna helped me shuffle Miranda into the tight quarters. When the door shut behind us, we quickly took Miranda to the sofa, sitting down with her. Surprisingly, she continued to stay glued to me. I let her cry herself out against me while Suzanna sat on her other side stroking Miranda’s long hair. Summer was cross-legged on the chair in front of us. She stared at the wall with a thoughtful look on her face.

  I noticed the plates with the remnants of our pecan pie still cluttering the small table and Summer’s and my bags lying on the floor where we’d dropped them hours before. I was seeing the stuff, but my mind was only half registering everything. Instead, I was processing what I’d just heard.

  I could see only one conclusion, and inwardly, I prayed it wasn’t true.

  Finally, after I don’t know how long, Miranda spoke.

  “I’m sorry, Rose—but I don’t think he’ll tell.” She sniffed, and Suzanna brought her a paper towel. Miranda sat up wiping the wetness from her face.

  “Don’t you worry about me, but...but, what about you?” I paused, searching for the softest words, and realizing there was no way to put it mildly. “Has Levi ever done anything to you?”

  My eyes caught Suzanna, and my suspicion was confirmed. She already knew.

  Miranda let out a big sigh and looked me straight in the eye. Summer had crawled across the floor and was resting her head on my knee, and I absently touched her hair, twirling the reddish locks between my fingers. We were all so close that Miranda could afford to whisper, and that’s what she did.

  “Not anymore he doesn’t. Well, it’s been a while, anyway.” She gathered herself by looking at Suzanna, who nodded her head in encouragement. “It started when I was nine or so. He’s three years older than me, so I’d listen to him. He started making me do things I didn’t want to do...and then he’d do stuff.” The tears started flowing again, and I rubbed her back. I hoped she didn’t give any details, because I was already boiling inside and I didn’t think I could sit there and listen. I’d be out the door hunting the scumbag down myself.

  “It was terrible. So—awful—went on for about four years and then he stopped. Just like that he never came around me anymore. But still, sometimes he looks at me in a way that makes me worry all over again.” She was trembling.

  Summer blurted out, “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

  “He’s my older brother. Why would anyone believe me over him? Whenever I did try to say anything that would give Ma a clue, she’d get so angry with me.”

  Miranda glanced back at me. “That’s why I went away to live at a house run by the Mennonites—a place where troubled teens find their way back to God.” Her voice was quiet, but the words were resentful.

  “How long have you been away?” I asked, still rubbing her back.

  “I guess it’s been six months. I was only allowed to return because I promised all sorts of stuff. I didn’t really want to come back, but I missed my little brothers—” she looked at Suzanna “—and my friends.”

  “And you never told anyone at the Mennonite house about Levi?” I asked, trying to get the most filled-out picture I could.

  “No. What was the point? He wasn’t bothering me anymore—and I didn’t think any good would come of them knowing,” she said calmly, and I could see the practical Amish mind at work.

  A few minutes later Suzanna and
Miranda had gone into the only bedroom to sleep. Before Miranda had left, she thanked me for giving her a reason to stand up to Levi for the first time in her life. I couldn’t help the tears that streamed down my cheeks at her words.

  I stretched out beside Summer on the sofa, which we’d opened up into a narrow bed. My face felt dirty, and my hair was a snarly mess. I usually hated going to sleep, even for an hour, which was about what we had before daybreak, without getting cleaned up and pouring on the moisturizer.

  But for once, I didn’t care about my nightly routine. My entire image of the Amish world was crashing down around me. I wanted it to stop. I wished I could go back to that day when I first ate dinner at the Millers’ and was so shamelessly trying to get Noah’s attention. Those were better days—much easier.

  I could tell that Summer was still awake. Her breathing was erratic, and she tossed and turned beside me. I didn’t feel like talking and I guess neither did she. But I must admit I was sure glad I had a new friend who didn’t have to live by the tight regulations that everyone else did.

  Staring at the ceiling, I wondered what I should do about Levi. It wasn’t really a question of doing something; that was a done deal. It was figuring out the best way to go about stringing him up by the neck, without giving Miranda more trouble—or getting my butt kicked out of the community in the process.

  Just as the first spray of buttery light came through the window, I finally closed my eyes, unconsciousness welcoming me into its black embrace.

  I found no peace in my dreams, being ever followed by a shadow—one with a pale face and bright red hair.

  6

  Sam

  Staring down at the few drops of milk left in my cereal bowl, I clutched the side of my head. Damn, I hated having to get up early after a late night. It wouldn’t have been such a big deal if I’d fallen asleep when my head hit the pillow, but no such luck. I’d tossed around for another couple of hours trying to figure out why the redhead had seemed familiar to me.

  And why she’d been so damn rude.

  The only thing I’d done was chauffeur her butt up the road a mile, and instead of a little gratitude, the chick became my sister’s bulldog. Hell, if the girl looked like a dog, I wouldn’t have cared less about her nasty personality, but that wasn’t the case. She was actually really pretty—in a country sort of way.